To the Future

And in that Storm that lit up the sky at two am, i laid there in contemplation of what is to come.


And i thought about how my years are too young to get married on the fourteenth of January two-thousand-and-twelve. But it is going to happen, because my heart will be old enough then. And i thought superficial thoughts, like how my dress makes me look like i'm about to give birth to a whale, but those are the consuming thoughts. i thought about how it would be, to be a wife who belongs to a twisted world and who has immense difficulty seeing true beauty except for what is considered to be perfection and who struggles with control because she has "daddy" issues........(and sometimes overwhelming feelings of dislike and anger take over- i'm conflicted, i want to hate him for not bothering to fly across the country to see his eldest daughter get married but to come up with fake stories instead, but it saddens me, but what did i expect? It's unfair to expect this much of him).


So what if it's selfish to drag another person into this mess? At least i don't have to go through it alone. Anything, but the dark and loneliness and abandonment again.